What's in your candy?
We at Sugar Crack! take pride in the making of our candy, as we use only the most questionable of ingredients that can't be identified or pronounced. We strongly believe in chemicals, therefore, every shady chemical we could find and couldn't pronounce goes into the making of each extremely sharp piece of this sought-after, almost illegal, meth-like candy of Sugar Crack!.
After tasting our candy, one is often left wondering, "What is that strange metallic after-taste?" (We feel we've achieved greatness here). Some people have approached us saying, "I ate a piece of your candy three days ago, and I can still taste it." Just think of the lingering after-taste of Sugar Crack! candy glass as an Ever-lasting Gobstopper.
Others claim they get the "shakes" after binge-eating the stuff, but not to worry, our studies show most consumers claim this particular side-effect is well worth losing some teeth over, and the blue tongue is...well, just "sick."
Other marginally acceptable chemicals are also used to give the candy its unique coloring of watered-down Windex and polluted salt water.
As we stated often, we take immense pride in the fact that our candy is 99.9% pure. (We honestly don't know what the remaining .1% contains; we're afraid to ask). And so, we have come to the consensus that like many unknowns in life, some things are better left a mystery. That's our policy, anyway.
Despite Sugar Crack!'s location being exactly 803.4 miles from Albuquerque, using earth co-ordinates as lottery numbers is not necessary in order to find our stuff. Simply go to our store and buy some.
The flavors are few, but were carefully chosen to reflect the unique nature of Sugar Crack! We may be full of crap, but our candy isn't. And even though there is no crystal meth in our hard candy, you can still get buzzed off the great taste of its unique flavor combinations made with quality extracts from Lorann Oils made somewhere in Michigan.
Thank you for reading about us! Don't forget to buy plenty of Sugar Crack!, and tell all your friends, family, colleagues, people you don't care about and complete strangers about us!
Sugar Crack! began in a secret lab (a.k.a. a kitchen), in a secret location, a little west of the desert, two-brother chicken chains and dry-cleaning facilities of Albuquerque, New Mexico near the Los Angeles International Airport, just off off the 405 freeway. And after many attempts, perfection was born in a drab, shifty, windowless, concrete building surrounded by barbed wire, billboards and murky air we like to call, “haze.”
Our candy glass is a 99.9% pure, blue chemically-manufactured, addictive substance known as hard candy that was created to emulate the stuff first made by a certain "white" chemistry teacher. Some say it tastes like chicken, but we believe one shouldn't blindly follow main-stream consensus, and let your taste buds decide for themselves.
We kid about the chicken part, but not about our candy. Every extremely sharp piece of it is made with forethought, precision and extreme devotion. By being 99.9% sure it's up to the standards of the certain obsessed chemistry teacher turned questionably dubious meth dealer who can't be named due to copyright infringement laws, we believe our candy glass to be Heisenberg-worthy, and hope you do, too. And even though our stuff is equally as addicting as his stuff, we don't recommend snorting it, as it would not only be a waste of some seriously good stuff, it would be...just plain stupid. As comedian Ron White so aptly pointed out, "You just can't fix stupid," and unfortunately, neither can we.
A bored, slightly intrigued bystander staring through the chain-link fence surrounding the dreary chemical plant, once asked a valued wage-earner of Sugar Crack!, who was dragging on a menthol, while taking in the the grey-brown pollution-tinged air surrounding him, "Why do you make this stuff?" When our most-beloved and grossly over-paid employee retorted, "Why not?!” The befuddled bystander tilted his head to one side, shrugged, then shuffled off down the street, still in the dark about the purpose of Sugar Crack!, and that's how we like it.
Some say that it is immature and irresponsible of us to make candy that is all chemical-based, and as sharp as shards of glass. We at Sugar Crack! couldn't agree more. But as an anonymous sage once said, "People are only young once, but can be immature forever." Years later, the same (and still anonymous) sage left us with this profound bit of wisdom before parting this earth as a shard of our candy glass dangled from his sticky, parched lips, "Don't eat candy that is shaped like shards of glass while running." And who can argue with that? So, if you are the kind of person who can't sit still or leaps with joy while eating, may we suggest seat belts?
With that being said, we really do hope the candy is eaten with a modicum of responsibility. And if you are not a responsible person, then find someone who is and hang out with them. (Don't forget to share your Sugar Crack! glass candy with such angels of mercy, for providing you with such a valuable public service)!
So, to all you naysayers out there, this is our story, and we're sticking to it. We would also like to add that life is short, so be happy...and try some Sugar Crack!